Twitter Dump For The Quick Thinkers

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andcallmeshirley
Dec 6, 2019 11:08 AM EST
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  • 01
    Text - dirk diggler @TakeForGrantd How did Baby Boomers get college for the price of a McChicken and still end up the dumbest fucking people on the planet
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  • 02
    Text - two punch man @Jordpord omfg the current snapped w Tuesday, October 8 s CHRIS BROWN Do you have a lot of money laying around that you want to part with? Are attracted to garbage people that sing barely passably but dance pretty well? Are you indifferent to the idea of ge fs you oddly ut- st supporting un- repentant abusers? If you answered yes to all of the above, then, by all means, go see Chris Fucking Brown. $43.50-$253-50, 6:30 p.m., AT&T Center, One AT&T Center, (210) 444-5000, attce
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  • 03
    Reptile - hehehehehehehehe
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  • 04
    Text - Joe Young @JoeYoungComedy Imagine the car insurance premiums in the Marvel Universe. "Sorry Thor destroyed your car, but that's considered an 'act of god'". 9:21 PM 10/2/19 Twitter for iPhone >
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  • 05
    Text - Joey @joeygllghr Country music: I'm going to live and die in my hometown :) Pop punk music: I'm going to live and die in my hometown :
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  • 06
    Text - ke et @KeetPotato cop: [making list of animals that escaped] zookeeper: "the tigers should be your top priority" cop: [scribbling out ducks] "obviously" 17/06/2015, 12:00 8,621 Retweets 15K Likes
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  • 07
    Text - My gf's explanation of why "ok boomer" became a thing is spot on Millennials tried for so long to explain using facts and evidence that they don't actually have it that easy and they aren't just lazy, but it became very clear that boomers don 't care about facts, evidence, or reality for that matter. So this is what has resulted. We've given up. I feel like "ok boomer" is kind of the equivalent of "Wow, you're so horribly wrong, but I don't have the time or the energy to repeatedly explai
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  • 08
    Text - Shark AbrasiveGhost HER: do u have a condom ME: u bet [whistles] [an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat] H: holy shit M: ya sometimes he brings cats
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  • 09
    Text - Samantha White @fadestowhite Conservatives can't process howa young girl cares as much about the planet as they do about fully automatic machine guns and hating gay people.
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  • 10
    Text - Svenn Amish @amishschool Some asshole fish crawled out of the water 35 million years ago and thanks to him we have staff meetings. 7:11 PM 27 Aug 18
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  • 11
    Text - Law Boy, Esq @The_Law_Boy same day delivery is the most American shit of all time, you run out of deodorant or something and with a single click start Rube Goldberg of human suffering in an Amazon warehouse twenty miles away
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  • 12
    Text - Thug: You got the stuff? Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings T: The deal was 8 M: I'm just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
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  • 13
    Text - Benedict Townsend @BenedictTown 16 year old: what if we improved the planet somewhat Grown adults: I must attack this child
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  • 14
    Text - rob whisman @robwhisman imagine if your roommate made you watch a movie and left ten minutes into it. dick move, right? my point is old people shouldn't get to vote
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  • 15
    Text - Sophie-Amalie @zephyrsOphie DID YOU KNOW that it's actually possible to say "I don't know enough about this to have an opinion"
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  • 16
    Text - Debbie Moon @DebbieBMoon Time to remember the best voting advice I ever heard: voting isn't marriage, it's public transport. You're not waiting for "the one" who's absolttely perfect: you're getting the bus, and if there isn't one to your destination, you don't not travel-you take the one going closest. 4:09 PM 29 Oct 19 Twitter Web App
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  • 17
    Text - limited breadsticks @limitlessjest Just got kicked out of Golden Corral for saying boomer with a hard r 9:32 PM 11/3/19 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 18
    Text - jake @squidslippers girls be like "can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you've hit the 2007 target receipts you've gone too far"
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  • 19
    Text - brayden bauer // @im your_density if you ask a coworker "how are you" and they say "well, im here" that loosely translates to "i need you to push me off the roof. we can make it look like an accident. if i die, im finally free. if i live, we'll sue this place and split the money.please for the love of god help
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  • 20
    Text - AmberTozer @AmberTozer I don't know if I have seasonal depression or if I'm just aware of what's going on
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  • 21
    Text - hawk @hawktherapper if both basketball teams just worked together they could score so many more points 4/20/14, 4:59 PM
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  • 22
    Cartoon - You're one in a million. That means there are 320 of you in the United States. Find yourself. Start an army Overthrow the government of a small midwestern town.
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  • 23
    Text - Todd 'Papi' Carlos @TheToddWilliams ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock WIFE: A WHAT? ME: Shhh, you'l make him nervous DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet* 5/25/16, 1:41 PM 3,077 RETWEETS 5,942 LIKES
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  • 24
    Text - måt + @malt_skull me: [flashlight under chin] they say a witch cursed this house 100 years ago today! 100 years agol witch: fuck this house 11:43 AM - 2 Nov 2015 3,105 RETWEETS 4,865 LIKES
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  • 25
    Text - [-1 IVIystical 1597 points 3 hours ago When a male octopus finds a mate... he rips off its penis and throws it at the female so she can inseminate herself. He then grows a new penis. What a legend. permalink report give gold reply [-1 MassiveClusterFuck 2992 points 2 hours ago x2 "Here, go fuck yourself." permalink parent report give gold reply
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  • 26
    Text - joe heenan @joeheenan 10 years ago today, I married my best friend... My wife's still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
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  • 27
    Bovine - PETA PETA @peta Cows are friends, not food trap daddy @terminallychill name one cow you're friends with PETA PETA @peta Your Mom
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  • 28
    Text - "This ain't my first rodeo."-- Me, at my II second rodeo
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  • 29
    Cool - MADEUP ONKEYSHIT
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  • 30
    Text - venechuk bros Follow @thetits GOD: there, my first animal :) SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move? G:like this shimmies* S: G:just kinda*shimmies* S:dude RETWEETS LIKES 3,272 1,856 5.55 PM-8 Feb 2016 Source: thebestoftumbl.
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  • 31
    Text - rudy mustang @rudy mustang Me: the eagles won last night Co worker: oh did you watch the game Me: *covered in blood and scratches* what game 2/5/18, 6:04 AM
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  • 32
    Text - 我喜欢打警察因为我是同性恋 @DOGGEAUX me: octopi could hug 4 people simultaneously, because god blessed them with the ability. however, they don't even hug one person, because they have made covenant with the devil. any questions churchgoer: where is our regular pastor me: in a better place now. sit down immediately
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  • 33
    Text - stimmystuffs me, standing in the middle of a pentagram I've drawn using my own blood, candles burning around me, on the top of a mountain during a full moon, voice slightly muffled by the ram's skull I'm wearing over my head: so...is he into me? the demon I've summoned: just fucking talk to him man Source: stimmystuffs
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  • 34
    Text - fartgallery: American erotica novel: he inched ever closer to me. Canadian adaption: he 2.54 centimetered ever closer to me. Source: fartgallery 3,846 notes
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  • 35
    Text - Bucky Isotope @Buckylsotope IHATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR *wife sighs* "Is this because his grill is bigger than yours" *frantically duct taping 2 grills together* NO 5/8/15, 20:47 672 RETWEETS 1,864 LIKES
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  • 36
    Text - lil Han @hwelchaaa *baby screaming* Me: CAN YOU BE MORE SPECIFIC 9/6/18, 2:51 PM
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  • 37
    Visual effect lighting
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  • 38
    Text - ti Fro Vo Retweeted Jon @ArfMeasures JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got...toe-jam football, he got...monkey finger, he shoot...Coca-Cola POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what 10/07/2017, 21:46 16.5K Retweets 46.5K Likes Σ
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  • 39
    Text - ALDI CUSTOMER CARE AldiCustCare aidildo Thanks to Pete from Bristol for this lovely pic of his wife, but the competition was called 'fact hunt' Pete Hawkward
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  • 40
    Text - GoaT FacE @Endhoos *Wife blows me a kiss from across the room* I pretend to catch it* *I walk over to the window and toss it outside* "Grow up Karen" I1
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  • 41
    Text - yabkat @Ohen39 [first day as a pizza delivery man] Cute Girl: I don't have cash for the pizza, but perhaps l can pay you some other way *drops towel* Me: Nice. I've always wanted to have my own towel 2:24 PM 14 Aug 18 33 Retweets 110 Likes
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  • 42
    Text - Shen the Bird liked @AndrewChamings 15h wife: [watching the news] some idiot tried to fight a squid at the aquarium andrew me: [covered in ink] maybe the squid was being a dick t14,404 21.2K 42
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  • 43
    Vertebrate
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  • 44
    Text - keith @KeetPotato [mid to late 13th century] me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] "everybody listen up this is a robbery"
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  • 45
    Organism - When I show up for work and the building is still standing
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  • 46
    Text - David Hughes @david8hughes at the chameleon store] Me: do you have any chameleons? Clerk: I've no fucken idea 11:25 AM 12 Apr 16
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  • 47
    Text - Mark Magark @markedly [slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch 12/2/17, 11:10 AM
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  • 48
    Text - David Hughes @david8hughes I was quite flexible when I was younger. The kids at school used to call me Spider-Man because my uncle was murdered. 4/21/17, 12:03 PM 3,448 Retweets 9,351 Likes >
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  • 49
    Cartoon - Me after smashing three baskets of chips at a Mexican restaurant and then my entree comes out
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  • 50
    Text - Jacob Kaltefleiter @calltaflighter If you're feeling lazy just know that my mom just asked my brother to vacuum his room, but he youtubed a vacuum Sound & laid in bed instead
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  • 51
    Text - Stand Up Sandbox @UpSandbox Honestly I should be nominated for an Oscar for my very convincing performance pretending to care about tonight's specials the waiter read off to me. I'm getting the chicken tenders, bro.Chill 8:53 PM 10/2/19 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 52
    Text - Hippo @InternetHippo MY MOM: Bullies pick on you because they're jealous BULLY (looking at me from afar with disdain): Why can't I be that lame 4/16/16, 10:12
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  • 53
    Facial expression - "THIS IS BULLSHIT!" амс
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  • 54
    Text - David Hughes @david8hughes Jul 20 [calls neighbour] Me: you've had my lawnmower for over a week Neighbour [solemnly]: my son went missing Me: did he take my fucken lawnmower t562 1.4K
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  • 55
    Text - Crystal @crystalsug i don't get offended easily but did y'all know the serving size on oreos is 2 cookies what kind of absolute horseshit is thisi am honestly shaking 9/8/18, 9:06 PM 8,025 Retweets 57.8K Likes
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  • 56
    Text - Ruined picnic @ruinedpicnic 6 Aug 2015 Me: Did Gary come over earlier? Wife: Uhh yeah Parrot: Oh yeah Gary, fuck me! [looks at wife] Me: My god... Gary fucked our parrot
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  • 57
    Text - Josh @iwearaonesie [playing Hangman] son: 3! me: It has to be a letter son: Oh. 9! me *looks at wife* Are we cousins?
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  • 58
    Text - The zombie outbreak started 2 years ago now you find yourself cornered by a decaying zombie when you do the unthinkable and bite it first when it falls to the floor and grows its skin back and sits up and asks what is going on writerlymagic This may be the best subversive idea for zombie apocalypse stories i think I've ever seen. bluandorange "How the fuck did you know that would work?" "I didn't, dude, I just fucking panicked"
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  • 59
    Text - Jon @ArfMeasures Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I'l fire you Мe: ok Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory Мe: oh no
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